Just because we want to handle things on our own, does not mean we can.
"Accepting help is its own kind of strength."
- Kiera Cass
Struggling
Just like everyone else, I have dealt with my fair share of struggles throughout my life. Now that I am older, it feels like my hardships are more significant than they have ever been.
Something about me is that I like to do things myself. If given the option to be in a group project or work alone, I will take the chance to work alone. I have always believed it was easier to take care of things when I was working as an individual.
This mindset has managed to make its way into many aspects of life, including my mental and emotional health.
In situations where I become overwhelmed, stressed or depressed, I am known to pull back. If I can complete an assignment on my own, why could I not take care of my personal problems alone?
Throughout my life, this reaction to stressful situations continued.
Pull back, keep it in, fix it myself.
I saw the stress on those around me. I never wanted to contribute more to that stress by getting my loved ones and others that care about me to take on my burdens.
However, in Fall 2020, I officially fell apart. Everything that had built up over the years, throughout the entirety of my life, finally won.
I needed help.
Recognizing We Need Help
For 22 years I struggled and stressed. For 22 years I told myself I could do it alone. For 22 years I was slowly breaking down bit by bit without even realizing it.
I first came to realize something was wrong when the pandemic hit. During this time, I lost all the activities that kept me busy. Before this, I never realized how keeping myself busy became a coping mechanism.
When something was going wrong in my life or bothering me, I would simply add more to my plate. Being busy was a perfect distraction from my internal turmoil.
Still, I was in denial. I would not allow myself to believe that something wrong.
When my uncle passed in Fall 2020, I finally fell apart. I went into a depression and my anxiety was high. Things had become bad enough that my sister would have to encourage me to eat and get up to work on assignments.
Early into the semester, an instructor mentioned the importance of mental health and an experience she had similar to mine.
Realizing that I was barely functioning on a day to day basis and hearing this in class was what pushed me to get help.
I knew that I was a point where I could no longer do it on my own.
I needed help.
Asking for Help
Asking for help was incredibly brave on my part. I had taken care of my stress on my own for so long, that it felt wrong and even demeaning to go to someone else.
When I heard my instructor's story, I could feel my heart pounding through the rest of our lesson that day. I barely paid attention because the whole time I was mentally preparing myself to go up to her after class and ask her if she had advice on how to handle my current situation.
I cannot lie. After everyone left class and I stepped up to my instructor, I began to cry. She was amazing though as she told me she wanted to meet me on Zoom and help me through the process of getting with counseling on campus.
Before this time, I had only gone to counseling one other time to help with transitioning into college. However, I never addressed any of the other problems I had dealt with through my life.
With the help of my instructor, I got connected with counseling. Even with my past experience, I was still nervous.
Throughout my life, especially from middle school through high school, I experienced people telling me that I had no right to be stressed or upset about things happening in my life because of the positive things I did have.
This always made it difficult for me to accept any kind of help, especially counseling. I felt as if I did not deserve to be upset.
Once I began counseling, I found myself slowly opening up to accepting help in many situations and many ways.
Accepting Help
Taking the step to start counseling was difficult. I still worried that I did not deserve help because I believed my needs were too small. However, once I began counseling, I came to realize how struggles I thought I had overcome in the past, I actually had not.
For example, I knew that the affects of being bullied still followed with me on a daily basis. Even though it has been years since I have been bullied. Still, I felt like I had figured out how to cope with them.
That is all I was doing though. Coping. I was not trying to heal myself and turn the negative comments in my head into positive ones. I just pushed the negativity to the side and distracted myself.
Often times I overcompensated my happiness and energy.
Going through counseling, I finally recognized how big of an impact this was on me and my health.
Talking with my counselor, I came to find out that I have struggled with depression in the past, long before the passing of my uncle. I also was diagnosed with high anxiety during my counseling.
We worked for weeks on addressing my anxiety, but my progress was slow. That is when I had to make the decision to take on a new form of help.
Anxiety medication.
I had always viewed needing medication as a last result, meaning I failed myself. Yet, after having a close discussion with my counselor, doctor, family members and Heavenly Father, I came to the decision that it was okay to accept this help.
Those who love and care for me reassured me that I did not fail. I just needed a little more help.
So, I took the leap. Within less than a month I noticed a HUGE difference in myself. Even on only a small dose.
While I still had bad days, I noticed that I was able to get up again and do things I needed to in order to take care of myself. I was not feeling as anxious and my outbursts subsided.
The moment I knew that my medicine was working was when I was able to face my biggest fear of 22 years without shedding one single tear.
It was like I found a new sense of peace.
Moving Forward
Do not leave this post thinking that accepting help is going to make all of your struggles go away because it won't. BUT, do know that accepting help will make what you are going through easier.
We are not expected to carry our burdens or face our trials alone. We all need help, whether that be from loved ones, doctors, counselors, our faith, ect.
Even now that I have accepted help, I still have my bad days. That is just life.
However, the weight on my shoulders feels lighter because I have others to help me carry the load.
I cannot even explain the change in myself I have noticed since I began counseling and started my anxiety medication.
Things I could not do in the past, I suddenly can do! I face my fears! I have confidence!
When I look at myself in the mirror, I do not turn away. Instead, I look at myself and think:
"Wow! I'm beautiful!"
Since accepting help, I have been able to put the pieces together in my life that did not make sense before. Simply because I did not want to believe how bad my mental and emotional state were.
Being told my feelings were valid, having the science behind why my body reacted the way it did, and being diagnosed with anxiety caused so many things in my life to make sense.
I am happy to say that I am gradually improving, but I would not be without help.
Please, if you are struggling, do not be scared or too proud to reach out.
We all deserve to be heard. We are all worth helping. We all need help.
And when that help is offered, accept it.
Because you deserve it!
Love y'all!
- M.E.
Comments